


Just grab my hand (and don't ever drop it)

by fairytalelights



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-26
Updated: 2014-11-26
Packaged: 2018-02-27 02:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2675915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairytalelights/pseuds/fairytalelights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Dan, the line between love and friendship was always sort of like a grey area.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just grab my hand (and don't ever drop it)

For Dan, the line between love and friendship was always sort of like a grey area.

 

In kindergarten, he didn't understand why he was only allowed to kiss Linda (the only girl in his class who actually sometimes played with him) on the cheek, but when he tried to kiss her on the mouth like he saw his parents do, she squeaked and ran away.

When he asked his mum about it, she told him that kissing on the mouth was a thing that you only did when you were in love. “Well, maybe I'm in love with Linda! She never steals my toys!” Dan replied. His mum only laughed and ruffled his hair. “You're just friends, Dan. Someday, you will understand.”

 

The thing was, Dan didn't really understand. Sure, as he got older, he started to get the difference between being sexually attracted to someone (some boys in his class, his English teacher, and one or two guys from a boy band, which he will never admit to listening to, ever) and not being sexually attracted to someone (girls in general).

His first kiss was a boy from his history class named Patrick and it was... nice. Dan liked him, he always let him copy his notes and he laughed when Dan mumbled sarcastic comments about their teacher during class. Patrick was nice, the kiss was nice, but Dan didn't see any stars, let alone fireworks.

There was never really a relationship between him and Patrick, because Patrick was afraid of what his parents might say if they found out.

(Dan didn't really have that problem, because he was pretty sure his mum actually knew about his boyband obsession and had kind of always known that he was gay and his father was active in gay rights politics, so not being okay with his own son being gay would be kind of hypocritical.)

So he and Patrick kept it to a few kisses behind the school dumpster and once a hand job in Dan's room, after they finished their history presentation.

After that, Patrick decided that they would be better off as friends and Dan didn't really mind, because he never really noticed that they were anything other than that anyway.

They stayed friends and Dan never missed the kissing, although the hand job had been nice and why exactly couldn't they just get off once in a while without having a relationship?

A year or two later, Patrick came out to the whole school and held hands with his boyfriend in the hallway between classes. Dan was kind of glad that he and Patrick broke it off when they did, because Patrick and his boyfriend seemed different than he and Patrick ever were. They just seemed to be around each other all the time, and touch all the time, and kiss each other, and Dan would really, really find that exhausting.

 

Dan had a few boyfriends during high school and he actually managed to come out to his parents, which went something like -

“Dan, I know that you're seeing that nice boy, why don't you bring him over sometime?” “We're actually just friends.” “...” “Well, we do sometimes hook up, so I guess I could bring him over.”

His mum just sighed heavily at that and Dan supposed he should find it worrying that he still didn't know what all that fuss about relationships was about, but when he brought his friend/guy he-hooked-up-with-on-a-regular-basis Liam to meet his parents, Liam seemed to take that as a sign that they were now officially in a relationship and he started to call him his boyfriend.

Dan got the feeling that Liam wanted to do all the things that Patrick and his boyfriend did all the time, but he didn't mind the hand holding as much as he just didn't understand what was so fucking special about it, that everyone wanted to do it.

He didn't mention that to Liam, because if he told Liam to stay friends, he would maybe also not want to have sex with him anymore and that was actually the part of this that Dan enjoyed the most.

So Dan became Liam's boyfriend, which was a win win siuation - Dan got to hang out with his friend and have sex on a semi-regular basis and Liam got a person he could hold hands with in school, whatever his reason for wanting that was.

 

When Liam told him he loved him after a few months, Dan said it back without hesitation, because he was pretty sure that he loved Liam - He enjoyed spending time with him, he enjoyed having sex with him and he would be very, very upset if Liam died. (Well, he would also be very, very upset if one of his other friends died, but that wasn't the same, because he didn't have sex with them, so he didn't love them like he loved Liam.)

 

They broke up when they left for different universities, and when Liam suggested to stay friends, Dan accepted gratefully, because he really wanted to stay friends with Liam.

 

So when Dan met Phil at university and he introduced him to Youtube and slowly became his best friend, at first Dan didn't think much about it.

Of course he was attracted to him, who wouldn't be? Phil had this amazing dark hair and these ridiculous big ice blue eyes, that Dan sometimes got lost in and... did any of his ex-boyfriends have eyes this pretty? Dan tried to remember, but he couldn't even come up with a colour for two out of three. (Liam's eyes were green, but Dan was pretty sure he only remembered that because he once made a cat joke about them.)

But Dan was 99% sure Phil was straight (well, 95%, he once hummed along to a Backstreet Boys song that Dan was listening to... ironically), so the sex part didn't happen and instead they just became friends. Dan figured he should be happy about that - at least now he didn't have to pretend to enjoy any of the other boyfriend stuff and he could have sex with other guys at university. (Which actually turned out to be pretty difficult, because Dan was so socially awkward that he never attempted to talk to anyone he didn't know, and he hated parties, so it only made sense that he only hooked up with his friends.)

But yeah, no boyfriend stuff.

Except that Dan sometimes found himself wondering what it would be like to hold Phil's hand, or to brush his hand through his hair and sometimes his stomach fluttered at that thought.

Dan was mostly just relieved about that, because it meant that he finally started to want the same things that everybody else seemed to want.

Well, there _was_ the slight problem that he didn't think Phil wanted the same thing, but now that he finally started to appreciate how awesome displays of affection were, Dan figured he was finally ready for a real relationship and it didn't matter that it wasn't with Phil, because he and Phil could just stay friends. Or something like that.

 

A few months later a guy that sat next to him in “Criminal Law” every Wednesday asked him out and Dan said yes, eager to finally test out his theory. His name was Adam and it was more difficult to build up a relationship with him, simply because they hadn't been friends first.

But Dan liked Adam and he seemed to like him back, so they went on a second date and then Adam kissed him, and then they went on a third date and because they were horny teenagers (well, young adults technically) Dan decided that it didn't make sense to wait any longer for the good stuff (he didn't have sex since he broke up with Liam eight months ago, because, yeah, too awkward for one night stands), so he blew Adam against the door of his dorm room. He seemed to enjoy it and Dan was glad that he didn't say some crap about taking it slow, because while he actually wanted the hand holding and stuff this time, it would still suck without the sex part.

 

After a few weeks Dan realized that something was wrong. He really, really didn't have the urge to brush his knuckles against Adam's cheek at random moments, and he also didn't want to bring him coffee just to see his dimples come out when he smiled at him. (He didn't even know if Adam had dimples. Phil had them, it was so easy to make him laugh, that Dan saw them all the fucking time.)

Now that he thought about it, he didn't even know how Adam drank his coffee. He knew, however, how Phil drank his coffee (with milk and so much sugar that Dan sometimes feared Phil's teeth would fall off). And because he shared a dorm with Phil, it was so much easier to just stay in there with him and play video games than to go to Adam's, where he would either have sex (which would be good) or argue (to which he preferred the video games).

Adam liked to argue a lot with Dan about his inability to listen (“no Dan, I told you I have a test tomorrow about nine fucking times, why can't you actually remember for once?”), about his “lack of enthusiasm” about their relationship (which was ridiculous, just because Dan didn't like PDA and cuddling? He told their friends about them, didn't he?) and about the fact that Dan apparently liked to stay in his room with Phil more often than not.

This evening Dan was just tired of defending himself and he pointed out that Adam spent a lot of time with his friends too. “Yeah, but most of the time I go to them when you are busy with Phil! I would rather spend my time with you, but you wouldn't, you would rather be with Phil right now instead of in here with me!” Well, that was true, but only because he wouldn't have to have this exhausting conversation with Phil right now.

“No, I -” Dan tried to defend himself half-heartedly but Adam just sighed (he sounded a lot like his mum when she just gave up on arguing with him), and said, “I think it's better if we don't see each other anymore.”

Not “let's be friends instead” and Dan supposed that that wouldn't really have worked this time, because he and Adam never were friends in the first place. “Yeah, okay,” Dan shrugged, which seemed to make Adam even more angry and Dan could swear he heard him mutter “figures that you wouldn't care” under his breath right before he left.

But the thing was, he really couldn't get himself to care.

 

The only good thing about the Adam situation was that Dan now could at least distinguish between being with someone because the sex was good (which was basically all there was with Adam) and being with someone because you liked them as a friend _plus_ the sex was good (which had been his relationship with Liam).

When he told Phil about his break up, Phil's face went through a wild mix of emotions and Dan couldn't really see what it settled on, because he pulled him into a tight hug.

He _would_ have explained to Phil that he wasn't actually that sad and that he figured out that he didn't even like Adam that much anyway, but then maybe Phil would've let him go and Dan couldn't press his face in the crook of Phil's neck anymore and breathe in his scent (Dan didn't really know when he became a person that liked to breathe in someone's scent, but he could live with it) and then that feeling in Dan's stomach would go away and that would be bad.

So Dan settled on letting Phil hug him and making noncommittal noises when Phil said something along the lines of “It's going to be okay, Dan,” because, yeah, getting comforted while you're not really in the need of comfort might have been a bit awkward.

 

There was a girl named Mindy in one of Phil's classes and Dan didn't know when exactly it happened, but after a while she was _always_ around. He opened up the door to his dorm and Mindy was sitting on Phil's bed, laughing about something with him. She walked with him to class and shared her notes with him and why the hell was she always giggling?

No one could be this happy all the damn time! (Well, no one except for Phil, but his laugh was charming, and brilliant and Dan wanted to listen to it all day and _he_ wanted to be the one to make him laugh like that.)

Dan _hated_ Mindy and he hated it when Phil laughed with her, even though he was pretty sure that Phil still smiled at him more. But maybe that was just because Dan was funnier than Mindy. (He once heard her tell a joke that she definitely stole from a joke book, so it wasn't really hard to be funnier than her.)

 

The thing that Dan hated the most, was that he couldn't figure out if Phil and Mindy were together or not.

After one week of observing them, he still hadn't found out yet, but now he wanted to burn out his eyes with acid or throw himself into a fire or something as dramatic as that.

So he decided to just ask him one evening, because he sure as hell couldn't take another week of him and Mindy walking around, always so fucking happy that Dan wanted to stab them. (Actually, he just wanted to stab Mindy. Not like, to death, but maybe with a fork, so it would just really, really hurt.)

“So, you and Mindy...” Dan started.

Phil didn't look up from his book and just asked, “What about me and Mindy?” “Are you... a thing or... something?”

Phil laughed. “No, we're just friends.”

Considering Dan's past experience with relationships, that wasn't really comforting _at all_.

“So, you don't hook up?” Now Phil put his book away. “No, what makes you think that?”

“Well, you spend all your time with her and you have the same classes, and...”

Phil started laughing. “Aww, Dan, are you jealous?” he said mockingly and threw his arms around Dan's shoulder. “Don't worry, you're still my best friend, I have enough time for both of you!”

Dan laughed too, but it even sounded unreal to his own ears, because maybe Phil didn't realize, but he was right - Dan was jealous. So jealous that he wanted to stab Mindy with a fork. And burn his eyes out with acid whenever he saw her with Phil. Well, _shit._ That could maybe become a problem.

 

So Dan had a real crush for the first time in his life. (Which was a total normal thing to experience at 19 after four failed relationships, which mainly failed because he never had a crush on any of his past boyfriends.)

And it _sucked_.

Before he realized that the flutter in his stomach he felt whenever Phil looked at him, were actually the fucking butterflies everyone in movies seemed to always go on about, he could just pretend it was a sign of being sick or... hungry. (Okay, maybe he had been very, very deep in denial.)

Now, he was perfectly aware of what he felt and what he wanted, but that made his life even more miserable, because he couldn't have it.

 

After that realization, Dan did what any normal human being that just found out they had a crush on their best friend would do - he got so drunk he couldn't spell his own name anymore. (Which only had three letters, so, very drunk.)

When Phil picked him up from the shitty party he went to, because he was just too nice for this world and Dan didn't deserve a friend like him, Dan wasn't really able to stand up - let alone walk - on his own anymore.

As soon as they reached their dorm (Phil was probably deciding if it was safe to leave Dan alone now), Dan kind of panicked. “No, you can't,” he breathed out and he shook his head vehemtly to emphasize his point. Phil chuckled. “I can't what? Dan you're drunk, I'm just gonna put you into bed and hope that you still remember that I left the painkillers next to your books in the morning now, okay?” “No,” Dan repeated, because Phil didn't understand and he didn't really have the brain power to properly express his thoughts anymore at the moment, so Dan did the only logical thing that he could think of - he grabbed the collar of Phil's shirt and leaned in to kiss him.

 

At first, Phil didn't move, he just stood there very, very still, but after a few seconds, in which Dan's brain was screaming _emergency abort oh god you're so drunk what are you doing why the hell did you think this was a good idea_ , he tentatively opened his mouth and started to kiss him back.

 

Dan kissed desperate, like this was his last chance at ever having this (he was pretty sure it actually was), licking into Phil's mouth and trying to remember the taste, trying to remember how this moment felt so he could revisit it later on, when he wouldn't have the real thing anymore.

He tried to focus on the details, like the way Phil's hands had gone into his hair and how his breath came shorter after a while and his grip on Phil's shirt tightened, like that would make the moment stay.

But Phil kissed hopeful, careful, like he wanted to believe Dan meant this, but couldn't quite yet.

And some part of Dan's drunken brain realized that _he needed to tell him_. _He needed to tell him that he wanted this._

Because even if he was wrong, even if Phil didn't want the same thing, then he would know and he could move on.

 

The problem was, Dan was the kind of drunk that said everything that popped into his mind.

While that could've actually been helpful in confessing his undying love for Phil (his drunken mind thought the whole crush thing was crap and settled right for true love), it actually wasn't, because Dan's mind wasn't really easy to understand while he was sober, let alone so drunk he couldn't stand up on his own anymore.

When asked later, that's how he justified why he didn't say, “So, I kind of like you more than a friend?” and he also didn't settle for something nice and true like “Your eyes are pretty.” (Well, that wasn't the point he wanted to make anyway, but it would have been a start.)

No, when he actually managed to let go of Phil and catch his breath, at first the only thing that came out of his mouth was just gibberish.

(But who could blame him, his brain was also a little short on oxygen at the moment.)

Phil just looked at him with a confused expression and Dan tried to pull himself together and he actually got words out, but they weren't quite what he wanted to say.

So in Dan's drunken mind it sounded very logical to say “I don't wanna be your friend anymore, because I have been just friends with all my past boyfriends and they always wanted more from me, but I couldn't give them that, but with you I want _everything_ , so can we please stop being friends and be everything else instead?”

Dan wasn't exactly sure what part of that he said out loud and he was to drunk to string up words in order anyway, so he just passed out on his bed and slept until noon the next day.

 

When he woke up, his mouth was dry and he had a headache from hell.

At first he didn't remember anything about the previous night, but then he saw a glass of water and some painkillers next to his bed and it all came rushing back to him.

Subconsciously he touched his mouth with his hand, to remind himself that he didn't dream it, that he really kissed Phil last night.

And Phil _had kissed him back_.

Dan tried not to get his hopes up, but _Phil kissed him back_ was playing on a loop in his mind and he needed to find him and ask him if he really meant it. And then maybe kiss some more.

So in theory, he thought it was a great plan, the only problem was that Phil seemed to have vanished all of a sudden. He wasn't in their room and his bed didn't really look like someone slept in it at all. Dan figured he was probably just out to get some breakfast or to study (Phil was the kind of student that went to the library in the mornings instead of procrastinating on his laptop) and didn't worry about it too much.

But when Phil came into their room later on and didn't say a word, just grabbed a few of his things and went out again, Dan realized that something was very, very wrong.

His chest suddenly felt tight and he couldn't breathe properly anymore.

Of course Phil didn't want him back. He probably wasn't even into guys and even if he was, he certainly wasn't interested in Dan.

Maybe he didn't want to push Dan away last night, because Phil was nice and polite and he didn't want to hurt Dan, but Dan had allowed himself to hope and a part of him was mad at Phil for always being so nice and thoughtful, because if he had pushed him away, then Dan would have known.

Maybe he wouldn't feel this crushing pain then. (Okay, maybe he would.)

So Dan made a vow to himself to stop trying to sleep with his friends (maybe he could try online dating or something) and to never drink alcohol again. Then he skipped his classes for the rest of the day, listened to sad K-Pop songs and curled himself up in a ball on his bed instead.

It was late when Phil came back into the room and Dan pretended to be asleep. For a moment he imagined that Phil was stopping in front of his bed to look at him, but that couldn't be.

Phil was probably glad that they didn't have that many classes together, because that way he could avoid him forever and forget Dan's crush on him. (Dan had spent the whole day trying to get over his self pity and had now moved on to feeling incredibly bad for Phil, who had to deal with his best friends having feelings for him he didn't return. Dan hated himself for putting Phil in that position.)

Dan tried to go to sleep, but he couldn't stop listening to Phil breathing in the bed next to him. Maybe Phil would want to transfer dorms because he felt uncomfortable with Dan in there, who had a pathetic crush on him that probably wouldn't go away anytime soon and the tight feeling in Dan's chest returned. He would cry if it wasn't for the fact that Phil's breathing hadn't leveled out yet, so he was still awake and Dan really, really couldn't take any more embarrassment today.

 

The next week passed by like this. Phil left the dorm early in the mornings and came back late at night, when he thought Dan was asleep. (Dan wasn't asleep, because he almost hadn't slept the whole week, so he heard the door close behind Phil every night and it _hurt_ , being so close to him even if it felt like they were miles apart right now.)

When they met each other on campus (because Dan couldn't skip his classes forever), sometimes they stared at each other a little too long, but before Dan could say something ( _sorry, sorry, I never meant to do this to you, please be my friend again, I can deal with it, I won't do anything stupid like trying to kiss you again, I promise_ ), Phil usually broke their gaze and walked away with his head down and Dan didn't see him for the rest of the day.

Dan felt lonely after a while. He had always been under the impression that Phil wasn't his only friend, but now he realized that there was a big difference between the constantly hanging out, laughing at each other's jokes and trusting each other blindly that his and Phil's relationship consisted of and the occasional talk between classes and being sometimes invited over for beer that he did with the rest of his friends.

 

After two weeks of being miserable and alone, Dan just couldn't take it anymore. Instead of being sad and pitying Phil, he got downright angry. Because it had _just_ been a little kiss, okay, and maybe Dan _did_ confess his love for him (he wasn't actually sure on that part), but Phil was an asshole to throw away their friendship over that and even though Dan had always thought Phil was okay with him being gay, this kind of behaviour pointed towards the fact that Phil was actually not a nice person at all and instead a homophobic douchebag, and Dan should just stop pitying him and move on with his life.

So the next time Dan spotted Phil on campus, he just skipped past the awkwardly-staring-at-each-other-thing they seeemed to be doing lately and went straight for yelling at him.

“I'm sorry,” he blurted out when he stopped right in front of Phil, who just looked confused, startled and... hurt. (A part of Dan went right back to hating himself, because _no one should make Phil look like this_ , but the other, angry part of his brain was screaming at him, what right did Phil have to look so hurt, _he_ was the one that pulled away!)

“I'm so fucking sorry I kissed you that night, but to be fair, I was pretty drunk and you can't hold that against me forever, and about the stuff I said -”

“Did you mean it?” Phil cut him short and he had a stubborn look on his face, as if he was bracing himself to be hurt again. Which didn't make any sense whatsoever.

Dan tried to figure out what answer Phil wanted to hear, what answer would make him come back, but he couldn't think straight, so he just went for total honesty. “Of course I meant it. And... You didn't have to be such a jerk about it, you could have just told me no, it's not like I would molest you in your sleep or anything like that.”

Now Phil just looked confused. “Dan, what exactly are we talking about here?”

“Um, the fact that I kissed you, confessed my undying love for you, or just my desire to sleep with you, I don't exactly remember, and then you got weird and stopped being my friend and I get that you don't want me back, okay, I'm not stupid, you're straight, and you're too good for me anyway, but you didn't have to be such a jerk about it and – Mmmhph,” Dan finished his rambling, because suddenly Phil's mouth was on his.

Dan just stood there frozen for a few seconds, until Phil pulled away a bit and murmured “You're such an idiot” against his lips.

“Okay, care to explain, because if you're gonna leave again now, I might really go insane,” Dan tried for a light joking tone, but it came out more choked than anything.

“You didn't – how did you put it – 'confess your undying love for me' that evening, Dan. You kissed me, and then you said “I don't wanna be your friend anymore” and then you went to sleep.” The hurt look was back on Phil's face and Dan started to realize that something had gone horribly, horribly wrong during their conversation that night.

“No,” Dan shook his head violently. (Phil's mouth was still only inches away from his and he wanted to get this over with, because he really, really wanted to kiss him again.)

“I didn't mean it that way. I wanted to say more, but I was drunk, so I must have fallen asleep before I could get it all out or something, but what I meant was -” Dan took a deep breath, because putting himself in that vulnerable position and allowing himself to get hurt again hadn't exactly worked out well last time, “I want more than to be your friend. I screwed up every relationship I was in, because I just didn't get or didn't want to get the concept of what being more than friends really meant. I thought it was just the sex as an extra bonus or something, but it isn't and with you I get that for the first time, Phil, because with you I want _everything_. I want to hold your hand, and I want to make you pancakes and I want to wake up next to you and I want to hear you sing your ridicoulous songs, because you're always so goddamn happy and I... I just... need us to be okay again, even if you don't want any of that, even if you just wanna be friends, because not having you around at all _sucks_.”

Phil just stared at him with wide-eyed amazement and then he kissed Dan again, open mouthed this time and Dan felt Phil smiling into his mouth, as Dan started to kiss him back forcefully.

“You're an idiot, of course I want you,” Phil whispered against his lips, without fully breaking contact this time. “I can't believe you didn't see that, seeing how I almost killed Adam and always tried to ask you out and stuff.”

“You asked me out?” “Yeah. It must have gone something like 'Hey Dan, have you seen that new movie?' 'Naah, it doesn't sound that great, let's stay in and play video games instead.'”

Dan let go off Phil for a moment to stare at him. “That was you _asking me out_? Well, how was I supposed to know that?” Phil shrugged. “I just kind of thought you figured it out and were trying to let me down easy.”

“We were idiots,” Dan sighed, put his arms around Phil's neck and buried his head in his shoulder. “No kidding. Let's just stop wasting any more time,” Phil replied softly and lifted Dan's head up again to resume the kissing. Dan could really get behind that idea.

 

After a few weeks that were without competition the best weeks of Dan's life (him and Phil had had an argument yesterday about whether or not they were still in the honeymoon phase and settled on no, because you didn't argue in the honeymoon phase, right?), Dan got a call from his mum.

“So, that nice roommate of yours, are you still friends with him? You could invite him over for the holidays sometime, you know!”

Dan considered for a moment if he should just go along with it and let her figure out the “more than a friend part” by herself, but thinking back to Liam, he knew that he had to change something this time.

“No, he's actually not my friend anymore,” he told her. “He's my boyfriend. And there's a big difference, believe me.”

He had to hold the phone away from his ear for a few moments, because she was making a loud gleeful sound into his ear, that Dan would have called “squealing”, if it wasn't for the fact that his mum wasn't a teenage girl.

When she calmed down, he could almost hear the smile in her voice, when she said, “I told you, someday you would understand - there is a big difference between love and friendship.”

And for once, Dan couldn't agree more.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "I Know Places" by Taylor Swift.  
> Thank you Isa, for dealing with me capslocking emotions at you, I couldn't have done this without you.  
> (I'm here on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/fairytalelights) and on [Tumblr](https://lookslikefairytale.tumblr.com), if you wanna say hi.)


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